Here's a really funny article I received from the Nextdraft (nextdraft.com) newsletter. Enjoy:

Lost in Never-Neverland

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has warned
America and its allies in no uncertain terms that,
with our troops spread thin and mounting major
operations in Afghanistan and Iraq, the latest
unplanned, unexpected need for a major troop
deployment will be anything but easy. While he
warns of a long, hard slog ahead, Rummy insists
that America is up for the challenge because it
has to be up for the challenge. And with that, the
Secretary - with full support of the White House,
the Brits and even the State Department -
explained to the nation that a first wave of more
than seventy special ops forces (armed with night
vision goggles, cell phone cameras and one ticket
each for the amusement ride of their choice) had
been ordered into Neverland Ranch.

According to military sources, Michael Jackson
(the main target of operation) has escaped from
the ranch just north of Santa Barbara and may have
traveled through a complex labyrinth of
underground tunnels and fortified bunkers all the
way to Las Vegas. Unnamed sources in the CIA have
speculated that Jackson is in Vegas to either
promote his new greatest hits album or to
negotiate for the rights to Sin City's latest
marketing slogan. One early indicator, explained
the high ranking intelligence official, was the
recent purchase of a thirty-second Super Bowl ad
which features the voice over, "What Happens in
Neverland Stays in Neverland."

There have been several false sightings of Jackson
in the Vegas area since the operation began. In
one incident, several people wearing rubber
gloves, rhinestones and surgical masks were
rounded up by authorities. They were halfway to
Guantanamo before lie detector tests, torture and
round-the-clock interrogations revealed that they
had just been the usual weekday crowd lined up for
the early bird All-You-Can-Eat Buffet and Bingo
Game at the Monte Carlo. John Ashcroft has
nevertheless - in the name of national security -
ordered the Bingo players to be held as enemy
combatants at Gitmo where they will have no access
to either legal representation or cocktail
peanuts. A spokesperson for Amnesty International
has already demanded that each of the detainees
immediately be given two rolls of quarters, a
smoky bus ride back to the strip and backstage
passes to see Paul Anka at the MGM Grand.

If Jackson does not surface soon, Pentagon
planners along with Vegas authorities will
implement plans to root him out by dropping a
2,000 pound bunker buster bomb on an as yet
undisclosed location. While the bomb is "smart"
and features unprecedented pinpoint accuracy, a
leaked memo has suggested that vacationers
planning a weekend getaway to the Bellagio may
want to reconsider and stay either at The
Flamingo, Caesars Palace, or better yet, some
place east of Arizona. President Bush has stressed
that the use of massive air power is only being
considered as a last resort and that several risky
plans - such as the one to shove Liz Taylor out of
a chopper several hundred feet above Mandalay Bay
- have been abandoned because of what would be the
enormity of the collateral damage.

Thus far, the only possible communication from
Jackson has been the release of a grainy, greenish
and dimly lit videotape. Experts have been unable
to confirm the authenticity of the tape and
because of its low quality, it is unclear whether
the tape features a confession, a list of demands,
or a hotel scene in which lawyer Mark Gregaros
(greased up and with drawers dropped) is turned
down by Paris Hilton who repeatedly explains she's
not that kind of girl.

Of course the late night talk shows immediately
focused on this breaking story. Letterman offered
up the top ten reasons you probably don't want to
take your kids to the Neverland Petting Zoo. Leno
opted instead to reprise his ever popular bit
about the time he tried to help his parents learn
how to program their VCR.

Meanwhile, back at the Neverland Ranch, the world
media have gathered to cover the story. There have
been protests and threats of court battles over
the Pentagon's decision not to allow members of
press onto the ranch. The issue came to a boiling
point when an inebriated Lizzy Grubman tried to
back her SUV through Neverland's front gate.

The Pentagon is concerned that reports of a
hyperbaric chamber found on the premises may
indicate the existence of a plot to use chemical
or biological weapons. Even with the growing
tension between the military and the media,
Rumsfeld has insisted that protective hazmat suits
will be made available to everyone covering the
story, except Gloria Alred.

The limited press access has not stopped the media
From full coverage. All three networks broke into
primetime programming to give viewers updates on
the story. Nightline cancelled a show
focused on the Bush trip to London so they could
use the timeslot to cover the Jackson saga. Even
the normally pop-culture shy Chris Matthews
dedicated an entire hour of Hardball to the
Jacko story. His normal crew of political analysts
such as Howard Fineman, Frank Luntz and Peggy
Noonan were replaced for the evening by a panel of
three expert chimps (actually it may have been two
expert chimps and Pat Cadell).

Most of the coverage thus far has been limited to
uninformed analysis (luckily, our specialty)
because of the lack of access. More details are
expected to emerge during the first press
conference hosted by the Pentagon and the Santa
Barbara Sheriff's Dept. At that time, both Chief
Moose and the Iraqi Information Minister will be
available to take questions.