If I Were

If I were Earl Gray tea
I would be hugged constantly by mugs.
I’d be Mr. Popular!

If I were a bathtub
I would not be so shy around naked bodies.

If I were a mirror
I would blush from all the attention.

If I were the floor
I would be stepped on a lot.
But I wouldn’t mind.
I’d be tough.
I’d be no doormat.

If I were a pizza
I would be all-dressed and ready to go.
Not in the “Look at me,
my nifty madras shorts scream
I’m off to go sailing on my yacht
off the coast of Bermuda
and you aren’t” way,
But more in the
“Thank you for the compliment.
I know I’m dressed smartly
but I’m just going to smile politely
and not make a big deal about it” way.

If I were a teakettle
I would SCREAM my lungs off
and it would be in my nature
so nobody could accuse me
of being a blowhard.

If I were a box of cereal
every box of me would contain
X-Ray Specs or a decoder ring-like prize.

If I were a toaster
I would be jealous of the microwave’s versatility
but proud of my superior crisping ability.